Here’s what you need to know to achieve this.

How many women fake orgasms?

A lot. Several studies conducted between 1986 and 2010 showed that between 50 and 67% of women fake orgasms.

According to Erin Cooper, a PhD candidate in psychology, a key role here is played by the widespread idea in society that the visibility of a woman’s orgasm increases a man’s pleasure.

It is not surprising that women may feel the need to “play” during sex and demonstratively achieve orgasm.

Erin Cooper, PhD, Psychology

Although many people have experienced faking orgasms in one form or another, the topic remains poorly researched. Therefore, Cooper focused on the causes of faking.

Why do women fake orgasms?

There are usually only four goals:

1. Protect your partner’s feelings.
2. Finish sex.
3. Avoid negative experiences regarding your own sexuality.
4. Increase your own arousal.

Cooper notes that these factors can be divided into two groups: those that help avoid certain aspects of sex (2, 3) and those that are designed to make sex more exciting, to cheer yourself or your partner up (1, 4).

Incidentally, it’s not only women who fake orgasms for these reasons. According to a study by Canadian scientists, about a quarter of men also sometimes fake it. A condom helps conceal the lack of ejaculate.

What to do if doubts creep in

Do not put pressure on or make claims

Asking your partner if she’s faking it is pointless. You’ll never know for sure, and you need to accept that. A definitive answer can only be obtained through supervised sex in a laboratory setting—then an electrocardiogram will reveal it (and yes, such studies have been done). All you can do is create an atmosphere of trust where your partner won’t be afraid to tell you the truth or ask for anything.

Don’t waste time on conspiracy theories, just talk.

Communicate and discuss details

Ask your partner what she enjoys most about your practices. If this is difficult and uncomfortable, then you’ll need to cultivate the idea that your partner’s pleasure is truly important to you. Yes, it will take time, but there’s no other way.

If your partner is forced to pretend, it means she’s facing some kind of challenge. It’s only natural to care for her and support her. Let her know that her pleasure is important to you. And that if she doesn’t like something, feels uncomfortable, or feels something’s missing, she can freely express it. Learn about her sensations: what particularly turns her on and what else you can do. This will not only improve her mood but also your skills as a lover.

How to help a woman experience genuine pleasure

Find the clitoris

A neglected clitoris is the cause of most missed orgasms. It so happens that many people only understand a certain basic type of sex that should bring pleasure to a couple: vaginal (or penetrative) sex. This is when partners achieve pleasure through friction between the penis and the inner walls of the vagina.

But while such sex almost always results in orgasm for men, since the most sensitive part of their genitals is the head of the penis, the opposite is true for women. No more than 20% of them can achieve orgasm this way.

The answer is simple: the main center of sexual pleasure for them is the clitoris. And it’s practically unused in penetrative sex (in the missionary position, for example).

The ability of those who fall into the 20% who derive pleasure solely from penetration to achieve orgasm is determined by anatomical differences. Their clitoris is located closer to the vaginal opening and is stimulated indirectly. To understand the statistically significant role the clitoris plays in female orgasm, note that 80–90% of women who use a vibrator typically masturbate without vaginal penetration at all.

Additional clitoral stimulation can truly solve a lot of problems. It’s easy to do: before or during sex, using your hands or a vibrator. It’s important to keep in mind that clitoral sensitivity varies from woman to woman. Some people experience ecstatic pleasure with light touches, while others prefer vigorous friction. Listen to your partner’s reactions and openly ask for suggestions.

Give compliments. Lots of compliments.

Psychological factors are closely linked to faking orgasm. Women who cannot experience pleasure from vaginal penetration alone often worry about their sexuality. Furthermore, most people remain captive to ideas about “normal” and “correct” orgasms.

Educate yourself and allay her fears. Compliments will help your partner accept her body and feel her unique sexuality.

Compliments can also help combat another phenomenon on the path to true orgasm. Researchers call it spectatoring—worrying about how we look during sex. Worries like, “Am I looking stupid?”, “Are my breasts bouncing too strangely?”, “Am I making too many awful noises?” These questions are natural, but they can often completely dampen pleasure. Your pleasant comments and admiration will counteract spectatoring and help bring your partner to a powerful orgasm.

Studying how a woman gets aroused

The main enemies of female orgasm are psychological tension and anticipation. Now that you understand this principle, it will be much easier for you to achieve orgasm in your relationship.

Emily Nagoski, a psychologist and author of “How a Woman Wants,” says that if you can’t achieve orgasm, you should simply let go and stop expecting it. To do this, you need to accept one important idea: sex should always be enjoyable, but it doesn’t necessarily have to end in orgasm. Communicate this to your partner. Simply letting go of expectations can play a significant role in her journey to intense sexual pleasure. Sometimes, the ability to experience it needs to be developed: listen to your sensations and give yourself the freedom to explore them.

There’s no such thing as perfect sex, nor is there a perfect orgasm. They’re all different and unique every time.

Classifying orgasms as vaginal or clitoral, strong or weak, spontaneous or forced is incorrect. First of all, it contributes to a mild hysteria around the topic, forcing us to think of sexual pleasure as right or wrong, preferable or marginal. The only thing that all orgasms actually have in common is the sudden release of sexual tension. That’s all.

The key to overcoming orgasm difficulties is to make pleasure your goal, not orgasm.

Emily Nagoski, PhD, psychology and sexuality researcher

What’s the bottom line?

If a woman fakes an orgasm, it could mean anything. There’s no point in guessing or looking for flaws, but it’s definitely worth developing the skills of a more caring and sensual lover. Both partners will benefit. Explore the female body, discover which caresses bring the most intense pleasure. And be sure to talk to your partner, ask for hints, and share your experiences. All the tools are at your disposal:

1. Communicate to make it clear that the woman’s pleasure is a priority for you.
2. Give compliments to help your partner relax.
3. Try new things and ask your partner’s opinion. This will help you find the most effective and enjoyable caresses.