1. Oral sex
We’ve become accustomed to ignoring pressure: neither atmospheric nor societal. Rom-coms show us lovers passionately having sex on the piano and climaxing simultaneously. Numerous glossy magazine articles constantly make us doubt ourselves as lovers, practically screaming at us with headlines like, “Are you sure she had an orgasm?!” And obsessive pornographic images make it difficult to have sex peacefully: “Why can’t I climax like her?” “Does everyone else have such big dicks?” “Am I supposed to moan like that?”
These and about a million other questions constantly swirl around in our heads while watching porn. And sooner or later, you either replicate the behavior you saw or develop an insecurity because you can’t replicate it.
As we discovered in our scientific (and not so scientific) research, even at trendy Moscow sex workshops, coaches often reproduce the “sex equals manipulation” model. Manipulation here can mean anything from hushing up conflict within a couple to glimmering hopes of reciprocal affection.
We’ve recalled several very common sexual practices that, for some, seem basic and require no further explanation, while for others, they become an unpleasant surprise or, even worse, a mandatory “order from above.”
Oral sex is both culturally imposed and horribly stigmatized. Girls, if they want to appear sufficiently liberated, must learn deep throating, otherwise no man will last long—or so the glossy magazines tell us. Meanwhile, remember how Eldzhey was hounded after his girlfriend, Nastya Ivleeva, revealed in an interview that he performed cunnilingus on her. We could discuss at length how Russian prison culture influenced the stigmatization of oral sex, but that’s the topic of another academic paper.
A study by Daria Varlamova and Elena Foer, authors of the book “Sex: From the Neurobiology of Libido to Virtual Porn,” reveals that men are far more likely to be the recipients of oral sex. What does this tell us? First, many men don’t even consider their partner’s pleasure (surprise!). Second, women are afraid to raise their heads (literally) and assert their right to pleasure. Women spend money on blowjob courses, buy lubricants, and choke back tears—all for the sake of their partner’s satisfaction.
We’ll surprise you, but this is completely unnecessary. Sure, there are thousands and thousands of girls who enjoy oral sex, but it’s unlikely anyone really enjoys having their hair practically ripped out while choking on a dick.
It works the other way too: men can refuse cunnilingus just as easily! It’s certainly important to discuss what, how, and why will work in a couple. But the main thing is to not feel obligated to offer your body as a masturbator to another person. Sex is fun and exciting, and there’s no obligation whatsoever.
2. Anal sex
Needless to say, anal sex is almost as much a lever of manipulation for both parties as oral sex. However, no type of sex will repair your relationship, improve communication, or make your partner “attached” to you. So please, avoid anal sex (either on the receiving end or the giving end) if you don’t enjoy it or are trying to resolve problems in your relationship.
And we hope that in 2019 no one needs to be told that anal sex (like any other sex, for that matter) cannot happen without consent and a thorough discussion?
3. Moans
Some people can be very loud in bed, while others can be completely silent. But don’t shame someone based on their decibel level!
Where did we even get this idea that we have to moan in bed? Mainly from movies and porn, of course.
We’ve all grown up in porn culture, so we think that during sex, a woman should squirm, scream, and generally act as if the devil has possessed her. A “real” man, on the other hand, should breathe heavily and remain as silent as possible.
All these and other strange demands on yourself can be forgotten: shout, moan, be silent, sing the Marseillaise. If you and your lover are comfortable, then everything is great.
A life hack for silent types and their partners: if one partner feels uncomfortable having sex in silence, try turning on some pleasant music or porn. For special occasions, we highly recommend “An Evening with Vladimir Solovyov” (just kidding).
4. Orgasm
“Didn’t you come?” — we have a very orgasm-centric sex culture. But surprise, surprise: if you’re not trying to conceive (meaning you don’t have the goal of sperm entering your vagina and fertilizing an egg), then you don’t really need an orgasm. Sure, it’s a very pleasant addition, but try to be more present in the process and maybe even delay it a little for the sake of your own and your partner’s pleasure. After all, sex isn’t a race, but a pleasant ride to the next town.
While orgasm isn’t a necessary, it’s a pleasant part of sex. However, the statistics on female orgasm are quite dismal: at least 67% of women fake it during sex. Furthermore, according to Laurie Mintz, author of “The Pleasure Point: The Path to the Female Orgasm,” less than a third of women can achieve orgasm from penile-vaginal contact alone. Surprisingly, a woman doesn’t have to orgasm from a penis! Try using toys or your hands (your partner’s or your own) to stimulate your clitoris during sex—show your partner what kind of touch you enjoy, and guide them. Don’t be shy; trust me, they want you to feel good too!
5. Spanking, hitting, etc.
Guys, again after watching too much porn, often enjoy spanking their partners on the butt. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you don’t like it (either in general or right now), don’t be afraid to say so. The same goes for any hitting, spitting, and so on. No one has ever died from asking permission beforehand—fact!
6. Cumshots
Be sensitive: calmly, without pressing, ask your partner if you can cum on a certain part of their body. They have the right to refuse, but asking is not a charge! The recipient, on the other hand, shouldn’t be afraid to express their objection: it’s no wonder you don’t want to wipe off cold, sticky cum. Besides, porn culture has instilled in us the idea of cumshots as a kind of humiliating ritual. If you enjoy feeling your partner’s cum on you, that’s great, but make sure you’re not just trying to please them.
7. Sex without a condom
All those excuses about “I don’t feel anything with a condom” are completely unfounded, seriously. And especially don’t have unprotected sex during a one-night stand or in an open relationship.
There are a million different types of condoms on the market, including super-thin and latex-free ones—you just need to find the right one! Invite your partner to a sex shop together and choose something you both like.
8. And sex in general!
Yes, the hosts of the sex podcast are encouraging people to reconsider and avoid sex. If you’re feeling unwell, tired, or simply not in the mood, don’t agree to sex just because “it’s been a while,” “I’m already hard,” and so on. Let’s reiterate: sex is about fun and pleasure, not coercion.
Be natural, don’t worry about how you look or about whitewashing the ceiling (for this, you can, for example, practice mindfulness and being present in the moment through meditation). Basically, enjoy yourself. Don’t be afraid of your desires and don’t forget about contraception.
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