What does the word cuckold mean?
Since the Middle Ages, “cuckolds” has been a derogatory term for cuckolded husbands unaware they were raising children by other men. The offensive term was coined in England, a mistranslation of the name of the cuckoo, a bird known for its habit of laying eggs in other people’s nests.
In our era, this ancient insult has acquired a new meaning. Cuckolding is when you derive sexual pleasure from your regular partner’s infidelity. A cuckold gets aroused by watching his woman—his sexwife—make love to another man.
There’s a specific term for a cuckolded woman: “cuckquean,” but the feminine form hasn’t yet caught on in Russian. It’s important to understand that such a woman doesn’t simply tolerate her partner’s infidelity; on the contrary, she encourages it and actively participates in choosing a lover.
What do cuckolds do?
Cuckolding is not swinging, which involves a voluntary exchange of partners. In this case, one partner (usually the man) does not participate in the sexual act, but merely observes it from the sidelines.
At the same time, a cuckold isn’t a voyeur who secretly watches lovemaking. He’s, so to speak, the initiator and primary spectator. Everything happens only with his permission and approval.
Cuckolding scenarios vary. Sometimes, the husband is personally present during his wife’s infidelity—with the consent of a third party. And vice versa. Other couples agree that the sexwife or her male counterpart will send photos and text messages from the scene. But often, cuckolds are content with their partners’ detailed accounts of the affair. The more details, the better.
Regardless of the implementation, “illegal” relationships are only possible with the consent of both partners and absolute trust. If you start going on secret dates or fall in love with someone else, it’s not cuckolding, but outright cheating.
Why might you enjoy cuckolding?
While researching his book “Tell Me What You Want,” social psychologist Justin Lehmiller found that 79% of men and 62% of women are aroused by thoughts of open relationships. Furthermore, 58% of men and a third of women surveyed admitted to having erotic fantasies involving “spying on my partner while he or she is having sex with someone else.”
It would seem that thoughts of infidelity should evoke negative emotions rather than a surge of sexual desire. But this is only at first glance. There are at least five factors that can turn infidelity into pleasure.
1. Biological scenario
In his book, Insatiable Wives, clinical psychologist David Jay Ley suggests that male cuckolding is rooted in evolutionary mechanisms.
A surge of libido is a natural response to the threat that the woman you’re attracted to could conceive with another man. Your reproductive system kicks into high gear, pumping out massive doses of testosterone. Passionate sex with a cheating partner, a powerful orgasm—and suddenly your sperm overpowers your rival’s genetic material. You’re the victor in the race for procreation, and therefore, immortality.
Even if you use modern contraception and don’t plan to have children in the near future, the script laid down tens of thousands of years ago still works flawlessly. Male cuckolds, without realizing it, use it to become aroused and experience incomparable pleasure.
2. Compersion
The pleasure derived from cheating on a regular partner may be linked to a sense of compersion, a feeling of euphoria that is inaccessible to many—the ability to feel a sense of well-being when a loved one is happy with someone else. Compersion is the opposite of jealousy, and it underpins all successful polyamorous relationships.
3. Breaking Taboos
The trigger for libido is often the thought of your partner breaking a taboo—in this case, undermining the foundations of monogamy. And the forbidden is always attractive and arousing.
4. Tendency towards BDSM
Couples practicing BDSM can also enjoy cuckolding. Men and women who enjoy the submissive role enjoy the feeling of being rejected. And if their partner further insults them during the affair, this can further intensify the emotions.
The main reward awaits the cuckolds when, after all the humiliation they have endured, the mistress or master finally returns to the bedroom and condescends to have sex with the slave.
5. Sense of control and ownership
Some cuckolds, on the contrary, are turned on by a sense of control. This is more common among men. The man generously “shares” his girlfriend, feeling not humiliation, but pride in owning a treasure that rivals covet. In this scenario, it’s important for the sexwife to report on her experience in as much detail as possible. And under no circumstances should she fall in love with another man, remembering who her true master is.
Who is cuckolding suitable for?
If both partners sincerely accept the rules of the game, research shows that cuckolding can even improve relationships. Some couples report that, with the transition to conscious cheating, they have become more trusting and can discuss literally everything.
However, the authors of the same study warn: just because you have sexual fantasies about an open relationship, this does not mean that you should act on them.
It’s one thing to imagine your loved one having sex with someone other than you (knowing it’s not true), but quite another to have something like that actually happen, even with your consent. There’s a high risk that the experience won’t be pleasant. And finding a third party willing to be an extra isn’t easy.
Unfortunately, many people over-idealize their sexual fantasies. And when they try to realize them, they are shocked by their own unexpected reactions.
David Jay Leigh, clinical psychologist, author of Insatiable Wives
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