When gender prejudice creeps into the bedroom, it’s tough on everyone. Sex is spontaneity. Any stereotypes kill the very essence for which it’s loved. At the same time, almost everyone is wired with notions of a “real man” and a “real woman,” and woe to those who bring them into sex.
1. A real man is powerful, smelly and hairy, but a woman is not.
This saying is funny, but only until the conversation turns to sex. Hygiene is a sensitive topic that people try their best to avoid in conversation. One of the most difficult challenges is telling someone they smell bad, especially during sex. So partners cope as best they can.
At the other extreme are women who feel unprepared for sex if their hair removal isn’t perfect. As a result, everyone suffers.
The golden mean is purity by default, unless partners agree otherwise. Everything else is optional.
2. A woman should wait for her prince.
The dubious feminine path—rot away on a lonely bench, preserving supposedly gender-appropriate delicacy, modesty, and hesitation—seems strange and futile in the 21st century. It’s a different matter if it involves role-playing games. For example, in the style of “Prince Charming retrieves the princess from the castle.” But these games shouldn’t follow gender dictates, but rather the call of the flesh.
If we take the distinction between “strivers” and “subdued” seriously, it becomes more of an assault than intimacy. Two equal partners moving in sync is a far more promising situation for good sex.
3. A woman’s “no” means “yes”
The tired old saying about the double meaning of a woman’s tongue has ruined everyone’s lives. The idea that there’s a flirtatious, girlish “no” that’s actually a “yes” only does harm. Especially in sex.
In particular, this raises the issue of consent. And while some joke about the Swedish “tightening of the screws” (Sweden has a law that makes any sex without explicit written or verbal consent illegal), others can’t grasp that in sex, the word “no” has only one meaning—negative. The only appropriate option is to speak in a common, universal language, without asterisks or footnotes.
4. Man is polygamous by nature, but woman is not.
There’s no convincing evidence for this, just a vague nod to nature, which offers a far more diverse palette of relationships. On the one hand, this cliché forces men to strive for the specific status of “fresh meat hunter,” while on the other, a sexually uninhibited woman is labeled a slut.
Any step to the left or right of the prescribed position is met with execution in the form of public censorship. This leads to all sorts of sexual neurons. As a result, instead of listening to their sexual desires, people fall into yet another trap of gender restrictions.
5. Women value feelings, not sex. For men, it’s the other way around.
A very strange and structurally flawed idea. Sex and feelings are only partially intersecting concepts. But clichés are clichés, designed to gain a firm foothold, defying logic. So a woman who suddenly wants a one-night stand falters, suffering; so a man thinks he’s somehow different when he doesn’t want to sleep with just anyone, unaware that he’s demisexual. But there’s another way to think about it; the main thing is to not let the power of clichés take you by surprise.
6. A man needs innocence, and a woman needs experience.
Society values female and male virginity differently. For men, practical sexual savvy is a desirable and almost mandatory characteristic. It’s different with women. On the one hand, they too are expected to possess certain sexual skills; otherwise, there wouldn’t be so many “learn the perfect blowjob” courses. On the other hand, for some men, female virginity remains a coveted prize. And while it’s strange to think in such clichés in 2018, a partner’s sexual experience before meeting them can influence how they’re treated. But only if you believe the clichés.
Sex is a complex process. Trying to interact with your partner based on preconceptions is a surefire way to ruin it. Conversely, the more free your mind from clichés, the greater your chances of having exciting sex.
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