But a closer look at the issue reveals that the needs behind it are very different. Let’s take a closer look.
I want this person
This is when you feel a desire to deepen the connection with this particular person, and sex is a way to immerse yourself in each other. Everything is great here; if there’s mutual desire, go ahead and indulge. If one of you isn’t interested, you can discuss it gently. Perhaps your partner (I’ll use this word throughout to refer to sexual partners of any gender) doesn’t want vaginal sex, but would happily agree to kissing, oral sex, massage, mutual masturbation, and so on. There are tons of options!
If your partner simply doesn’t want to (the time, place, or mood isn’t right)—that’s okay, it happens. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your partner. If you’re sensitive to rejection, it’s worth seeking help from a therapist.
I want some release
It’s when there’s a nagging physical tension, arousal, that you want to release. For example, I’m one of those people for whom a stressful situation triggers arousal (for many, it works the other way around). That’s why I almost always masturbate before stressful events like my lectures.
Or here’s another example: in a relationship where people live together, a spontaneous desire on the part of one partner often leads them to a seemingly obvious thought: “Hmm, I have a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband, so I could have sex!” It’s rarely taken into account that the partner may have completely different things going on and interests at the moment. And attempts to engage in sex can make them feel used. In such a situation, you can start seducing your partner in the hopes that they’ll want you back. And if they don’t, you can go masturbate. Or see a therapist (you get the idea).
I want tactile contact
Hugs, touching, stroking, massage. We don’t have any coherent tactile culture (or sexual culture, for that matter). Touching and gentle hugs are often considered sexually charged, although the desire to touch and be touched, to stroke, to cuddle is completely natural.
So, sometimes you don’t need sex, but to be hugged or properly stroked.
I want recognition/acceptance
To feel important, needed, interesting, sexy, accepted, and understood. Often, our desire for sex hides our fears and needs for validation. These are best addressed not through sex, but through… therapy.
I want to feel alive
If a person lacks drive and generally intense sensations in life, sex can be an understandable way to get them. The only caveat is that this drive is often more reliably achieved through other means, which are entirely up to you. Dancing, yoga, or any other fitness activity you enjoy, extreme sports, changing jobs to a more interesting one, traveling, or even masturbation. Sex with another person is just one option.
I want to turn off my head
You know that feeling when thoughts constantly swarm in your head, impossible to shake? They’re intrusive, they drag you down, and they prevent you from relaxing. But sex can allow you (for some, for others) to immerse yourself in sensations, shifting your attention to your body. Pretty cool, right? But it’s not the only way, and often not the most effective.
Try meditation, yoga (although the distinction is artificial, it may be clearer this way), and body-oriented psychotherapy—these practices will help you shift your attention consciously. Want something less overwhelming? Exercise, dance, knitting, playing an instrument. Even washing dishes and cooking can be suitable. Find your way!
I want to forget who I am
This is a story about those who are ashamed of their desires. And then sex becomes a shameful act in which you want to forget, to express your “dark” side to your heart’s content, and then pretend it never happened. Often, people turn to methods such as maximally anonymous sex, alcohol, and drugs. A possible alternative is, again, psychotherapy. It’s a great help in learning to accept everything you’re afraid to accept. If you want to, of course.
I don’t really want to, but I think I need to
This is one of the most common problems in long-term relationships. When people tell you that a healthy relationship should have this much sex, or that it should have sex at all, sex turns from a desirable option into an obligation. But you know, there’s nothing less sexy than sex as an obligation. Don’t do that.
People (more often men) also face this problem when they find themselves in contact with an attractive person of the opposite sex. There’s a notion that if the situation is right (you’re alone, there’s touching, who knows what else), then you absolutely must have sex. I was quite shocked by this at the time. I remember a friend who told me how she went over to see a guy she’d been having a great time with and just wanted to cuddle and watch a movie. After the “obligatory” sex, they both breathed a sigh of relief and even laughed about it. And they never did that again.
Men who lead to sex simply because it’s expected of them, women who respond to it because it’s supposedly expected of them too. Or vice versa. Then it’s completely hardcore, because men are “not supposed” to refuse sex.
Don’t do that. Believe me, it’s normal for a heterosexual man and woman to have fun together, whether sexual or not. Welcome to the 21st century!
I want a relationship, but really just sex.
This is a special situation that usually occurs in women or particularly romantic men (or men with very traditional views). It’s when the desire for a relationship is used to disguise a desire for sex (which may be rooted in overwhelming passion, permission to do something forbidden, or a desire for self-affirmation). Then people try to build relationships with people with whom they really wanted to limit themselves to a one-night stand or a short, passionate affair. Don’t do that. Enjoy it. Or, if necessary, seek therapy.
Why even think about all this? If you’re not aware of your needs, you could end up sleeping when you’re thirsty or partying when you’re sleepy. The effectiveness is questionable and can lead to disappointment. After all, you expect your need to be met, but you’re choosing the wrong tool to achieve it.
Moreover, if you feel like sex is the only solution, you have a harder time dealing with rejection. You have a hard time accepting that the people around you are individuals who may want something different. That is, they may not meet your expectations. And all human suffering, as wise men like to say, stems from a denial of reality, from attempts to force the world into the box of our own expectations.
If you don’t want to suffer, figure out what your real needs are, find the right tools to meet them, use them, and hope for the best!
I’m convinced that many problems with sex stem from people misusing it. It’s truly amazing when it happens with mutual consent, at the right time, place, and context.
In the modern world, sex is like a broken, worn-out horse that everyone supposedly needs, but no one really wants to ride anymore. Well, sex can be something completely different: joyful, intimate, fulfilling, playful. And optional. After all, if sex is a pleasant option, one among many, it’s easier to pursue it. And it’s easier to give it up.
And honestly, it’s just so cool to understand how you’re wired. Exploring your own psyche is akin to mastering a musical instrument. At first, you might just slap together a scale, basic chords, or a simple rhythm, but then, as your listening and playing skills improve, you can recognize more and more nuances and incorporate them into your performance. Self-discovery, everyone! Be the Jimi Hendrix of your sexuality.
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