Why do people have affairs and have sex with lovers?
Cheating, infidelity, adultery—the name isn’t so important here; it’s a staple of popular culture. Articles with headlines like “Why He Cheats,” “How to Protect Your Marriage,” “Too Seductive and Unfaithful,” and “Secrets of Wives with Faithful Husbands” litter magazines and websites.
These articles—which mostly advise readers to be as sexy and a little suspicious as possible—usually view infidelity as cheating in bed.
While there’s some truth to this, the majority of affairs don’t involve sex. In fact, many unfaithful men and women admit that sex at home with their husband or wife is better than sex outside the home.
But if not for sex, then why do people have affairs?
People cheat on each other not because of sex
1. Feel touch and physical affection
It’s much easier to live without sex than without touch. During an hour-long date with a lover, sex might only take 10 minutes, with the other 50 spent cuddling. Or there might be no sex at all.
Some people are willing to risk everything just to feel a gentle, casual touch on their face.
2. Have someone nearby to talk to
Sadly, many couples barely talk to each other; and when they do, it’s mostly about children or… more children. Ask any prostitute: many clients want to talk after sex even more than they want the sex itself (and some prostitutes will tell you that talking and listening is much more work than having sex).
3. Feel more like a man/woman
Sex is more than just pleasure. At the very least, people have a way to verify that he’s a “real man” and she’s a “real woman,” whatever their definition of those terms.
4. Escape from everyday life
When people feel stuck in a rut, when they feel no joy or excitement, when the future looks just like the dreary present, an affair can be an escape from the tedious daily grind.
Of course, this won’t fix anything – your problems at work will remain the same, your child won’t get better at school, your belly will still be there – but every month or two, for an hour, you’ll forget about all of this.
5. Feel the joy of anticipation
Marriage experts advise all long-term couples to spice up their sex lives whenever possible. Having an affair is precisely what gives people that variety. They schedule a date to spend time together, they look forward to it, they talk about how wonderful it will be, they plan what to wear for the occasion, they eat moderately that day, and, most importantly, they plan to enjoy it.
If married couples felt the same way, sex therapists would lose half their clients.
6. Feel desire and feel wanted
It’s entirely possible to feel loved without feeling attractive or desirable—this happens to most couples who live together. And while they value intimacy, respect, and love, many people crave the feeling of being desired. For some, an affair is just the opportunity to experience this.
Sex with a lover may not be particularly special or even frequent, but seeing your partner get aroused when you are undressed is very important to some people. It’s no substitute for love or security, but some people will do almost anything to feel desired.
7. Experience a sense of danger
It’s believed that people who have affairs thrive on the thrill of danger; the possibility of being caught red-handed excites them. Most likely, such people subconsciously want to be exposed so they can seize the opportunity to break off a relationship that’s burdening them but which they’re hesitant to end.
But in most cases, people who are afraid of being exposed feel terribly guilty and can’t even fully enjoy the affair because they have to constantly worry about whether they’ve covered up all traces of the “crime.” Very few adults say that risking their marriage, home, and relationship with their children is truly exciting.
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