1. Thank them for their candor
Do this first, because sharing fantasies is difficult, especially if they’re unusual. Your partner has shown courage and trusted you by sharing their deepest desires. So, even if the fantasy seems completely uninteresting to you, show respect. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. After all, you wouldn’t want someone to laugh at your desires or shame you for them, would you? So the first step is to be kind and understanding.
2. Discuss how important this fantasy is
Fantasies come in different forms. Some are simply pleasant to think about, while others need to be recreated to understand something about yourself. Find out which category your partner’s suggestion falls into.
Maybe he enjoys daydreaming about sex on a plane, but he’s willing to live without it. Or maybe fantasy is incredibly important to his sexual self-expression and he needs your participation.
Start with questions like these:
- Do you want to try this in real life or are you just sharing the idea with me?
- Do you need my participation in this fantasy?
- How important is it for you to feel satisfied?
- How will you feel if you can never reproduce it?
3. Learn more about the details
If fantasy is important to your partner and they want your input, learn as much as possible about it. Ask them for sources of information. If they’ve already thought about it, they might know some websites, articles, or videos that will help you decide if you’re ready for the experiment. Or research this information together.
4. Consider whether you like any part of it
Many people are intimate by unusual fantasies, thinking they have to dive right in. For example, if your partner says they’d like to experiment with BDSM, you’re already imagining having to convert the bedroom into a chamber torture. This isn’t the best way to explore a fantasy, even if you both enjoy it.
Instead, first discuss specific elements of the fantasy and identify the first steps. You might find that a particular part of the fantasy intrigues you. Let’s say you’re not ready to dive deep into BDSM, but you’d be open to trying some light spanking or a blindfold.
And before you try to act out any fantasy, first act it out verbally. For example, if you and your partner have been discussing sex parties, pretend you’re at one and describe to each other what’s going on. This is a good way to understand how you’ll feel without doing anything drastic.
5. Look for alternatives
If you’ve done all of the above and your partner’s fantasy still doesn’t appeal to you, don’t blame yourself. You have the right to set personal boundaries and refuse anything that makes you uncomfortable.
If the fantasy you’ve voiced is very important to your partner, consider whether you’re comfortable with them exploring it without you. This doesn’t necessarily mean cheating. Perhaps it’s enough for them to discuss it on a forum or replay it in a text message. Find a solution that works for both of you. And remember, these things are meant to be discussed, not shy about.
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