This kind of care and attention can be overwhelming. The fact is, many people don’t fully understand their own preferences and needs. If you’ve experienced this, try these tips.
1. Describe the process of sex
For example, imagine telling an alien about it who has no idea what it is. If you had to describe it in minute detail, how would you do it? What do you like and what don’t you like?
Another option is to write a short erotic story. Include a few sex scenes and notice what tends to repeat.
Chances are you already know quite a lot about what you like and dislike, you just don’t realize it.
Many people think the answer to the question about preferences must be long and complicated. It doesn’t have to be. Simple things like hugs and gentle kisses also count. And the list shouldn’t just consist of things that lead to orgasm. Anything that brings you pleasure counts.
2. Remember past experiences
Start with your best sex. Take a couple of memories and think about what makes them different from others. Maybe you enjoyed a specific action your partner did or a certain position. Or maybe you just laughed a lot during the experience and felt incredibly relaxed.
Then recall your worst sex experience. Think about what specifically you didn’t enjoy or what made you uncomfortable. Perhaps you and your partner were silent the entire time, which made you tense, or perhaps you experimented with dominance and submission, but felt uncomfortable. Such memories will provide many clues.
3. Experiment on your own
Explore your own body. Learn what touches certain areas respond to. Use your imagination to figure out what turns you on and what doesn’t. This is easier to do alone, when no one is watching. If you feel comfortable, you can repeat the same actions with a partner. But this is also optional: you can save some fantasies for when you’re alone.
4. Be willing to try new things
Without this, it’s impossible to know whether you’ll like something or not. Of course, you may have boundaries you’re absolutely not willing to cross. For example, you know you’ll never agree to a threesome. It’s important to understand this early on to avoid pain and discomfort. Ideally, you should have a list of such boundaries, and your partner should be aware of them.
But if something doesn’t immediately repulse you, why not give it a try?
Let’s say you’ve never been particularly interested in doggy style, but at the same time, it doesn’t intimate you. That means there’s a good chance you might like it. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to find out.
If a particular position or scenario is causing you a lot of doubt, try imagining it first. Or discuss with your partner how you’ll proceed, but don’t commit to action just yet. These methods will help you navigate your sensations without unnecessary risk.
5. Pay attention to impressions during the process
To understand what you like, you need to pay attention to what’s happening. It sounds obvious, but most people aren’t particularly focused during sex and only notice the extremes—the most pleasurable and the most painful.
In this case, the nuances of sensations are lost.
Next time, pay close attention to your impressions. For example, say you and your partner decide to experiment with spanking. Notice what you enjoy: the physical sensation of the slap on your skin or the process of “punishment.” It may seem like a small thing, but it will help you understand yourself better.
And don’t forget that some preferences can change over time. For example, due to new experiences, depending on the location, and depending on the partner. It’s practically impossible to fully understand yourself. But that only makes it more interesting, because you always have the opportunity to learn something new about yourself.
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