Julia Hill
Psychologist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.
Just 15 years ago, everyone around me wanted to get married. It’s hard to say what’s changed since then: whether we’ve matured or global values have shifted. I think both factors apply.
Today, sharing a household, having sex, and picking up a child from daycare doesn’t require a passport stamp. There are different types of marriages: civil, guest, open, virginal, same-sex, polygyny, polyandry, and so on. Different personality types create different types of marital unions. Therefore, in today’s world, trying to describe a “normal” marriage is pointless. The diversity of reasons for entering into relationships is so vast that the concept of the norm dissolves like ripples in water.
Some enter into a union that is outwardly no different from a traditional one, except that the spouses do not have sex. It’s not entirely out of the question, but it’s not mandatory.
White marriages (also known as “virginal marriages”) have recently become especially popular among young people who identify as asexual and childfree .
Asexuals find other people attractive emotionally, sensually, and aesthetically, but experience no sexual attraction. Some childfree people reject intimacy as part of the reproductive process. However, abstaining from sex with a partner does not exclude masturbation. Some older generations may also enter into marriages without intimacy. These couples find other forms of togetherness more important: shared interests, communication, support, and solving financial problems.
Each partner chooses the person who will best satisfy their needs for their life together—needs that have been developing over the years, starting from childhood.
Let’s consider the psychological prerequisites for entering into a marriage that is deprived of such a seemingly natural part as intimacy.
1. A negative attitude towards sexual intimacy acquired in the parental family
Attitudes toward are communicated differently from parents to children in different families. Some families struggle with the right words, and sometimes the topic of sex is taboo. Or, conversely, loose morals are imposed.
Why might negative attitudes toward sexual intimacy arise in a family? It’s often a matter of parents’ faith and beliefs.
In the USSR, for example, a quasi-religious collective belief in socialism was widespread. Remember the epic line, “There’s no sex in the USSR”? The original was, “Well, we don’t have sex, and we’re categorically against it!” The applause in the hall drowned out the rest of the line, “We have love.” But this only confirms that love was perceived as something unrelated to sex. The sexual impulse was replaced, for example, by social labor, which was promoted as the highest meaning in life for the builder of communism.
In general, for me, sex and family are different things. Family is a reliable rear, everyday life, travel, sex is there, but more like an obligation… that is, sex with another person only makes sense when an unreal passion arises, but even that then passes… Otherwise, it is ideal to have a man for a family and masturbate from time to time… imagining different partners and different situations.
Religious families are also characterized by strict morals and a denial of physical pleasure. Sex is often viewed as something base, necessary only for the continuation of the human race. In such families, strict norms exist regarding what is right and what should be, creating a certain culture of behavior. Shame about one’s body develops, and consequently, about “wicked” feelings. To remain part of such a culture, any normal person must repress their sexual impulses, hide their true self and present a form that will not be rejected. This instillation of chastity is carried on from generation to generation.
Sometimes parents don’t consider themselves religious, but they have a great fear of failing to fulfill their responsibilities. For example, if “the daughter brings the baby home in a hem.” This is especially common in families with high social status: the emphasis is on “maintaining dignity” and “what will people say.”
A number of rules help alleviate parental anxiety: prohibiting discussion of all topics related to sex and communication with the opposite sex. Sex becomes a sign of dangerous, immoral behavior.
There are families where adults, on the contrary, exhibit sexual promiscuity. Sexual intimacy occurs in the presence of a child, and their boundaries are violated. The child has no understanding that they can be spared or protected from this. The child’s psyche is unable to “digest” what is happening, and the result is an adult who is reluctant to engage in intimate relationships because “monstrous things” are happening there.
I can’t find any point in sex without masturbation. It’s safer, more private, no one will tell you anything, you can do whatever you like, whenever you want, however you want. Why bother with sex, fulfilling someone else’s whims, humiliating yourself, risking your health, risking getting pregnant?…<…> I think it’s just an over-exaggerated meaning, like “married, girlfriends.”
Psychological immaturity
Leaving aside the pathologies associated with mental retardation, psychological immaturity, or infantilism, is a failure of upbringing. Parents shielded their child from independence, and they grew up unable to make decisions and unwilling to take responsibility. Along with independence, not only actions but also feelings are suppressed, so the emotional sphere of such a person is also underdeveloped. They subconsciously want to remain a child as long as possible. And children, as we know, don’t have sex. However, they can build friendships based on shared interests.
In general, the answer to the question “When do children become adults?” is very conditional. Using our country as an example, it’s not entirely clear: is it the onset of criminal liability, or the age of majority, or graduation from school, or when alcohol can be purchased? Some parents believe their child only becomes an adult when they get married or have children of their own. In urban areas, children can be supported until they’re 25, while in rural areas, they start working at 15.
A few years ago, the term “kidult” emerged—a blend of the English words “kid” and “adult.” It’s used to describe people who are no longer children, but not yet adults. A prime example is the fairytale Peter Pan. Kidults tend to maintain childhood hobbies for long periods of time, living an easy life without thinking about the future. As members of our society, they set new norms of behavior, both sexual and emotional. Of course, not all kids reject intimacy. But the concept of “white marriage” is quite applicable to this phenomenon as well.
Experienced violence
Almost all survivors of sexual violence, regardless of age, experience a change in their initial attitudes toward intimacy: from positive or neutral, they become negative. The experience becomes a serious psychological trauma. The victim suffers terribly, and feelings of guilt and shame force them to avoid sexual activity.
Sexual violence not only destroys trust in people but also destroys our understanding of sexuality, both our own and that of others. We seem to lose our value as sexual objects, and the other person, in turn, becomes asexual to us.
Losing control over one’s body and showing vulnerability is a fear. In such cases, a strong taboo against intimacy is imposed on a person’s mind. Sex evokes negative feelings (anger, shame, helplessness).
People who have experienced violence have difficulty creating and maintaining relationships, they experience problems with arousal and achieving orgasm, and emotional detachment.
False notions about sex develop, and it becomes synonymous with danger. Victims of violence develop a peculiar mentality. For example, they perceive sex as uncontrollable force, an obligation, dependence, pain, and exploitation of another person. People seek safe relationships, and in their worldview, these are relationships that do not involve intimacy. A white marriage perfectly meets these criteria.
Temperament traits
Sexologists don’t talk about “temperament,” but rather “sexual constitution.” It can be strong, medium, or weak. Simply put, it’s how sexually active a person is and what their need for intimacy is. For example, a wife might want sex every day, while her husband only needs it once a week. Or vice versa.
Two factors influence sexual activity. Physiology: the higher the testosterone level in the blood, the greater the desire for sex. And psychology: the characteristics of the nervous system make a person more or less sensitive to arousing stimuli.
Accordingly, people with a weak sexual constitution don’t prioritize sex. Sometimes, they don’t prioritize it at all. They are insensitive to erotic impulses and lack the need for sex as a means of achieving pleasure, release, or intense intimacy. Consciously, they perceive sexual intercourse as a “marital duty,” an unpleasant obligation. When two people with a weak sexual constitution enter into a relationship, they may well agree to a sexless marriage—and both will benefit.
Insecurity
Complexes arise when we compare ourselves or are compared to someone else. For example, a mother says to her son, “Who are you so skinny for? All the men in our family are handsome.” Or a girl tries on pictures from Instagram and thinks, “She’s a C-cup, and I’m just embarrassed.” A young man worries about the size of his penis after using a public locker room.
The complex is based on the fear of rejection.
A person lives within the confines of imposed beliefs: “You can only be desired if…” This leads to shame and body rejection, attempts to hide it behind shapeless clothes or by focusing on blue hair or tattoos. As self-hatred grows, the stress intensifies: a person unconsciously feels like they are losing something valuable.
To relieve tension, the psyche resorts to a defense mechanism: sex begins to devalue. A person convinces themselves that what they want or lose isn’t really important to them, that they can live without it. And they create relationships that confirm their rightness.
I can’t even imagine having sex with someone I don’t trust and don’t know. And it takes so long for that trust and love to develop… masturbation is different. And there are no risks. But to have sex, you need a lot more than trust: protection, pills, money for emergencies… A place…
Negative experiences from past relationships
Intimacy isn’t always enjoyable for everyone. While some sexual encounters are easy for some, others experience psychological trauma. Sex begins to seem like a natural disaster, an attempt to dominate another person, a cause of misfortune.
For example, a husband confided in his wife about his sexual fantasies, but she wasn’t ready. A fight ensued “over sex.” It would seem that this “trifle” led to divorce, and sex became the cause of marital catastrophe. There’s a chance that in her next relationship, the woman will choose an asexual partner.
Another example from history. The renowned writer and artist John Ruskin courted his future wife, Effie Gray, for a long time. On their wedding night, he removed her dress and, to his horror, discovered pubic hair. The peculiarities of the female body so shocked the young husband that he spent the next six years inventing excuses to avoid sex. He claimed he couldn’t bear children and didn’t want to support the burden of a pregnant wife. Their union fell apart, since in England at the time, a sexless marriage was as unacceptable as sex before marriage. This story is depicted in the 2014 film “Effie.”
It all started when I had little interest in girls until I was 20. I had plenty of friends and never had any problems communicating, but after an “unrequited crush” on a girl at 14, I lost interest. I served in the army, got a higher education, advanced a bit in my career (chief accountant), and gradually began dating different girls, naturally without mentioning my virginity. I gained quite a bit of “experience” in mutual affection, but I never got to the point of sexual contact. To be honest, I subconsciously didn’t want to sleep with just anyone (maybe I was afraid). Last fall, I became close to a girl, and we had complete mutual understanding and affection. When it came to sex, nothing happened; everything turned into excitement and understanding. I stopped wanting anyone else, for fear of screwing up again at a sensitive moment.
Replacing real communication with virtual one
Virtual communication has become an important part of our daily lives. For those with autistic tendencies, virtual communication completely replaces reality.
People with an autistic personality (not to be confused with autism!) are very sensitive and prefer to keep their inner world private. They are tactful and reserved in communication, but lack the ability to express feelings and are always “within themselves.” Their virtual self is realized through speech and writing; they focus primarily on their partner’s intelligence, outlook, and humor, imagining their character, imbuing them with non-existent qualities. Meeting someone online can easily develop into love. It’s not certain that such a relationship will necessarily end in a white marriage in real life, but as long as the couple communicates remotely, it guarantees safety and the absence of sex. Masturbation on Skype doesn’t count.
Sublimation, or displacement of the goal of sexual desire
Sublimation is a psychological defense mechanism that transforms instinctual drives into meaningful human activity. Freud said that sublimation gave rise to what we call civilization.
The ultimate goal of sexual desire is satisfaction. Unable to perform intercourse and experience sexual release, a person turns to other means that also facilitate satisfaction. Unspent sexual energy is redirected into creativity.
How does it work? Our body constantly produces energy: for movement, thinking, communication, organ function, and so on. When energy isn’t fully utilized, the remainder is directed toward other activities. Creativity shouldn’t be understood as just drawing or soap making, but any creative expression: collecting, cooking, interior design, flower growing—anything that is aimed at creation.
Famous examples of people who sublimated sexual energy into creativity include Leonardo da Vinci, Andersen, Gogol, and Nikola Tesla. The latter even said, “Chastity helps me create.”
The importance of sex in the modern world is artificially inflated. It’s a shame that understanding this only comes with age, when sex is no longer a problem.
I had sex for the first time at 28. I don’t regret anything. I didn’t think it was a problem. ONLY YOU decide what you should do and for whom. There’s no need to follow society’s lead. Grow yourself; sex isn’t the most important thing in a man’s life.
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