What are personal boundaries in sex?
First, let’s remember what personal boundaries are. In psychology, this term refers to understanding one’s own self as distinct from others. Simply put, boundaries define our personal needs, desires, feelings, capabilities, and relationships with others. They literally serve as a reflection of our beliefs and values.
So what are sexual boundaries? It’s simple: they’re actions and practices that cause you discomfort—physical or emotional. It’s an understanding of what’s acceptable and what’s strictly forbidden. For example, some people consider a threesome immoral, while others consider it perfectly normal.
How to set personal boundaries in sex
Discuss your preferences in advance
It’s best to talk about sex before you have it. And the sooner you do, the less likely you are to waste time on a partner with whom you’re completely incompatible. Yes, it’s possible! You might not get along because of conflicting preferences and taboos, or because of anatomical differences, such as a girl with a shallow vagina and a guy with a long penis. While physical compatibility can be difficult to verbally resolve, preferences are possible.
To do this, it is important to honestly and openly discuss several issues with your partner:
- What do you like most about sex?
- What are your taboos?
- Are there any points of contact?
- Are you willing to try something new from each other’s preferences?
- Will you accept refusal if new practices make your partner uncomfortable and he is not ready to repeat them again?
A timely conversation can not only save time for people who aren’t compatible, but also avoid future conflicts between partners. A simple example: in a couple, anal sex is taboo for the girl, but the guy has a penchant for it. If this isn’t discussed, the partner will likely try to fulfill this desire one day, which will result in dissatisfaction. The conflict could have been avoided.
At the beginning of the 21st century, there’s a huge problem: we’re afraid to talk about sex. I encounter this time and again in my psychotherapy practice. And I can say with confidence: despite all the information available, 20 years ago people were more open about expressing their sexual desires and preferences.
Oleg Aleksandrovich Zubkov, psychotherapist, sexologist, family psychologist
Draw up a contract
This, of course, isn’t some paperwork, but an oral history. A contract implies an answer to the question, “What kind of relationship do we have?” Are there any obligations to each other, what are they, and what happens if they are violated? Essentially, this is the same conversation about boundaries, only it more fully encompasses the partners’ interactions, for example, their relationships with other people and the rules of living together.
It might seem like sexual boundaries have nothing to do with it; we’ve already discussed our preferences and taboos. In fact, everything is interconnected. For example, there’s the obligation of fidelity, which is rarely spoken out loud.
What constitutes cheating in a relationship? My partner determines that. I either accept the terms and remain faithful, break the rules, or reject the terms and terminate our contract.
Oleg Alexandrovich Zubkov
So, in some relationships, one-night stands are considered acceptable, while in others, even texting or a kiss on the cheek will be a reason for jealousy.
In general, a contract defines personal boundaries in general and teaches us to protect them. After all, we negotiate terms that will be comfortable for both parties.
What to do if your partner violates your boundaries
Recognize the problem
Often, we don’t even realize someone has crossed a line. We normalize the situation despite the discomfort we feel, find the problem in ourselves rather than our partner, and complain to friends about how bad things are. You can check if your boundaries have been violated by looking for the following signs:
- You’re afraid to express yourself, express your opinion, and refuse. You feel ashamed and shy. For example, you don’t mention that a certain position hurts because your partner likes it.
- You justify yourself and your partner. For example, when a man convinces you to have anal sex, and you give in, because “everyone does it” and “there must be something wrong with you.”
- You prioritize solving your partner’s problems over your own. For example, you do everything you can to help them achieve orgasm, but you don’t care about your own pleasure.
- You’re afraid of loneliness. Example: You compromise your principles out of fear that your partner will leave you if you refuse.
- You’re dependent on your partner’s opinion. Example: you try to live up to an ideal image that has nothing in common with you.
Talk about what’s bothering you
Don’t be afraid to voice your feelings. Get together in a quiet and calm environment and tell your partner about your concerns and frustrations. Avoid strong emotions: your goal is to remind them of your boundaries and ask them not to cross them.
Be honest, avoid general statements, and provide reasons for your position. Instead of saying, “I don’t like it,” explain why you specifically don’t like your partner’s actions. For example, they like to have sex outside the apartment—in nature. What do you think is wrong with that idea? The possibility of being caught by others, the physical discomfort, the fear of catching an infection.
Compromise, don’t go overboard
How do you differentiate between these two concepts? Let’s take sex outdoors as an example. The fear of being caught is easily overcome: find a truly secluded place. Physical discomfort can be alleviated by preparing the appropriate “gear.” If having sex on the ground is uncomfortable, and the bark of a fallen tree is chafing your skin, get a sleeping mat, such as a camping foam pad. The fear of catching an infection is more difficult, but also solvable. Choose a relatively clean place, bring the same sleeping mat, and avoid having sex in bodies of water—in short, you can weigh the possible risks and options for mitigating them. It’s a compromise.
If there is no mutually beneficial solution to the problem, but you still give in to your partner’s persuasion, this is no longer a compromise, and you will subsequently experience discomfort.
When you’re in a relationship, you, like your partner, are responsible for it. There’s no longer an “I,” but an “we.” Although, of course, a healthy dose of selfishness is necessary—these are your boundaries. Even the symbol of a family union—connected rings—implies a shared zone and a personal comfort zone. So, both partners must not only respect each other’s personal boundaries but also find common ground, some compromises. And here you need to understand whether these are truly what they are. If so, great. You’re in a relationship and finding a solution that doesn’t violate anyone’s comfort. Overstepping your boundaries, however, is a harmful practice that won’t lead to anything good.
Oleg Alexandrovich Zubkov
Don’t be offended
If someone doesn’t get what they want, they become offended. This is a psychological defense mechanism and a form of hostile manipulation. After all, why do we become offended? To evoke guilt. In such a situation, the offended party is automatically right. Therefore, the other party to the conflict should feel guilty and apologize.
Thus begins a game in which both people play specific roles. The offender receives a reward for apologizing, and the offended receives psychological satisfaction.
Oleg Alexandrovich Zubkov
What to do if your partner is offended:
- Understand that this is manipulation.
- Keep your distance, do not enter into conflict and under no circumstances try to provoke a response.
- Wait until the resentment passes, because sooner or later it passes.
- Continue the dialogue in a calm environment, find out why the offense occurred, and find a compromise solution.
- Contact a specialist if this solution is not found.
There are no other options. If a compromise isn’t found, and psychotherapy doesn’t help or is unwilling to engage in it, the relationship will end.
Personal boundaries in sex are truly important. And it’s not just about the physical and psychological discomfort you experience when they’re violated. Being able to stand up for your beliefs is essential for building a healthy relationship with the right partner. And isn’t that what we all strive for, one way or another?
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