Caution, 18+.
1. We need to learn from porn.
According to a 2015 survey, 60% of British students use pornography for sex education. Young people simply don’t know where else to find information on the topic.
What’s the problem? It’s that pornographic films are created for entertainment, not education. Their scripts are implausible, and everything is staged, from the dialogue to the orgasms. Modern pornography is the result of countless hours of filming, grueling takes, special effects, and camera angles.
Just as you wouldn’t use a soap opera to develop social skills or learn physics from a sci-fi movie, porn shouldn’t be your way of learning about sex.
Furthermore, popular pornographic films are full of sexism, racism, and discrimination, lacking intimacy and respect. They foster false body image and unrealistic expectations, contributing to low self-esteem.
2. Sex toys are competitors of sex
Sex toys don’t replace or replace sex, as some believe. In fact, there are plenty of reasons to use them with your partner. For example, to make certain tasks easier for each other—who wouldn’t want a super hand in bed?
3. Communication is not part of sex
Sex and communication, like yin and yang, should go together. Always. But many people don’t realize the importance of communication for intimacy. Boyadzhan considers this the most dangerous misconception of all.
Without open dialogue, problems such as negative sexual experiences, boundary violations, and even sexual violence arise.
4. Sex is only about penetration
Another stereotype the former dominatrix encountered was that only penetrative genital intercourse can be considered sex. Interesting fact: actually, no, there are other options.
This misconception, among other things, is simply offensive to those who have sex (yes, sex) outside of the classic “penis enters vagina” scenario.
5. Sexuality and gender coincide and never change.
Not all of us are cisgender (cisgender is a term used to describe people whose gender identity matches their biological sex). There is a spectrum of gender and sexual identities that is too often not only unrecognized by the majority, but also poorly understood.
Gender is a group of socially constructed roles, behaviors, actions, and attributes that our culture deems appropriate for masculinity and femininity. Biological sex is assigned at birth and sometimes differs from the sex a person identified with—in this case, they are considered transgender.
A person can also exist outside the binary gender model and be gender non-binary or gender fluid.
Orientation is determined by who a person is sexually attracted to. This could be people of the opposite sex, the same sex, or both. There are also asexuals—people who experience no sexual feelings or desires.
Boyadzhan notes that despite such a diversity of identities, they can change throughout life. You might choose one gender identity at one time, then another. You might be drawn to certain people for a while, then to others.
It’s amazing that we’re developing and normalizing different terms to describe gender identity and sexual orientation, she says. But we shouldn’t become too attached to these conventions if we feel a shift within ourselves.
6. Sex is meant to please your partner.
Some people perceive sex solely as a way to satisfy others, not themselves. They fail to realize that good sex is, first and foremost, a pleasurable sexual experience for themselves.
By understanding your body, learning what drives you wild, and exploring pleasure, you can feel more yourself.
7. You don’t need to study your body
The most common problem the former dominatrix encountered was people’s lack of familiarity with their own bodies. She explains that her work required sensitivity and a good understanding of others’ bodies to avoid harm and to deliver the “right” sensations. But some clients found it difficult to explain what they felt or wanted to feel.
Before each session, I talked with the client about what they were looking for and what they wanted. When I delved deeper and asked questions about their most sensitive areas and favorite sensations, many couldn’t answer them. They’d never ask themselves these questions before.
8. Sex isn’t about empowerment.
The media and marketers create a certain sexual ideal and teach us from an early age that anything other than that is obscene.
This ideal is usually very white, very heteronormative, very sexist, and out of line with what is considered normal for most people.
We’ve become so accustomed to the male gaze on everything sexual that those who don’t identify as men must fight for the right to vote.
Transgender and non-binary people continue to lack visibility. This “invisibility” makes them feel inferior, especially when it comes to their sexual experiences. The more we talk about all sexual experiences, the more we normalize sex in general.
9. Sex is off the table.
The final misconception that strikes Boyadzhan is the idea that sex and sexuality should be a secret. She considers this position harmful and hypocritical: it seems to separate sexuality from other areas of human life.
I think it’s important to keep sex private in some cases, but certain issues and problems are worth discussing. How will your partner know what’s good for you? How will you know what’s good for them? Until we become mind-readers, sex should be discussed.
In conclusion
Knowledge is power, so we all, without exception, need to get sex education. There are many resources for this, but it’s important to choose trusted websites rather than forums. After all, there’s as much useful information as there is misinformation.
Get sex education and say goodbye to archaic misconceptions!
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